| No strength to live, no strength to die |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|09:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Please Forgive me- Bryan Adams | ] |
When I was young I was a cheerful person, that laughed and enjoyed life. Until I moved away. Even though a lot of good thing happened since I moved they are small number compare to the bad one.
First, I went from fifteen friends to two. I went from keeping my mind busy to thinking all the time, and that was the first mistake in my life: thinking.
I could have been happy if I hadn't starting thinking as much as I'm still doing.
While being in Ontario, we manage to have enough funny to buy a computer. Then came my second mistake, meeting Yan, my first online relation. I was about 15 and he was 18, but he truthfully had the mentality of a 16 years old. Which made things fine with me, but it didn't go so well with my mom, that's when we start fighting... But before that, Yan had made his share of damage. And let's not forget the few 'suicidal' moment I had at that age, and I can assure you that ink taste bad.
So, let's go back to Yan.
I started "going out with him" in September 2002, everything was good and peachy until January. Now this 'story' is a bit hard to follow, but here it goes:
Yan's online life was constituted of this: some friend, a best friend Caro(never actually saw her) and me, the girlfriend. At the end of December
Marie-Anne (Caro's twin sister)came online on Caro's account. She told Yan that Caro had committed suicide.
Anyone who a good imagination, can imagine Yan's reaction. He was depress, and since I was 1000kilometers away, I couldn't help. I could live with that, since it was a normal reaction until he told me that he loved her... If I would have been smart I would have break up with him, but since I couldn't stand being alone, I didn't. So he loved her but not as much as he loved me and he told Marie-Anne that. So to recap: Caro is dead and Yan loved her. At that point I had created another account (and since this wasn't taking place on msn, I could have both open) with that other account (which he didn't know was me) I tried to convince him that Caro wasn't dead. Did he believe me? No. So he kept talking to Marie-anne about Caro and other stuff (she became the second best friend).
Right after the death of Caro, I met Yan for the first time, I was in Quebec, got my mom to drive me there and had dinner with him. It was our first meeting and not our last. In march, he actually spend the march break at my house, this is where my mom realized how slow he was and that's when we start fighting about him. After, between march and July, things were 'ok', I was still hurting from the Caro accident... Near June, we had a surprise: Caro wasn't dead. It was Marie-Anne that had committed suicide and Caro had pretended to be Marie-Anne (for some reason, didn't care to know about them), so to have another recap: Yan's best friend pretended to be dead and to be her sister. The feeling of betrayal and 'my bf is going to leave me' aren't something I wish on people.
In July, he spend another week here. After and during that, it went downhill and it hasn't stop.
I could talk about the tent incident, but I can't. Instead I'll go with how jealous he was. On the last day he spend here, my dad brought me(and him) to see a woman who was selling her Appaloosa. . That night we went to the beach and that's when I had a taste of how jealous Yan was. All he had in mind was that my dad was going to buy the horse just so I wouldn't talk to him, also he kept saying how much more time I would spend with the horse than him (meaning online time). I kept telling him it wouldn't happen, and it didn't. The next day (after he left) my dad bought the horse (and I still have him). During that summer, I had two other taste of his jealousy. The first one was when Karl spend a few weeks here, when Yan learned that Karl was my ex (if you can call your 8yearold 'boyfriend' an ex) and he kept saying that I was (not would, but was) sleeping with him. After that, I spend a few days in Quebec, where I went with a few friend due a boat tour (ok, it was a few hours) and again, Yan accused me of sleeping with them. By the end of august, I broke up with him (to the relief of everyone)
After that, I put everything about him, behind me. But it doesn't change the fact that everything with him change a lot of things. After him, I shut off the world, became depress and suicidal, then cold.
Between that moment and now, I've met one person, who is amazing and truthfully words cant express enough about my feelings.
But even though there's a bit of a light there, the darkness is still here.
And it is taking over...
This is why I wrote this, actually it was only going to be a typical 'I can't take it anymore' but it turn out with the source of my problems, but yet, it is still not enough...
I am at the end of my strength, I keep finding small grip here and there, but they cant do enough. Never in my life, I've felt this hurt. I can't explain why... The smalls thing drives me to tears, and it used to take a lot to make me cry, now that's all I seem to do. I usually don't want to cry, yet right now, it takes everything to not break down in tears. and I can't take it. I would honestly curl up in a blanket and die, but I can't, there's still a few things I want to with my life, but I can't find the strength to do it...
and like I used to say
'No strength to live, no strength to die' |
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determined
giggly
thoughtful